Like most people in America during the general election in 2004, I unfortunate enough to be subjected to Puffy prancing around on the major news networks screaming vote or die. There was even one funny moment when Bill O’Reilly had an ‘I cannot believe I have to take this guy seriously’ look on his face during their interview, though Bill still did try to convince Puffy to vote republican. After all his noise Puffy did not even vote.

So managing not to let the PDP/Tongolo combination (Apparently PDP is the real coco) and all the Random Igbo Presidential aspirants put me off, I registered to vote. It was quick, easy and painless (I know I lucked out on the quick part) and every armchair political analyst (which Nigeria breeds like mosquitoes) who happens to be in the country must vote. Granted there will probably be rigging and such but if you don’t vote you lose your right to complain, unless of course you are abroad and then will complain regardless.

Now Baba and his crowd are not the stuff ringing endorsements are made of. They are like an intern who stabilizes a patient riddled with bullet holes who then goes around proclaiming himself a world class surgeon because the patient isn’t dead yet. You can only stretch the metaphor so far but you get my point. It’s like when Chris Rock said the black community had leaders like Malcolm and Martin but since then all they’ve had are substitute teachers. In Nigeria we’re still hoping for substitute teachers.

The contradiction in Nigeria is that the fact that the government does not need to be accountable to the people because of the oil money makes it imperative that people vote. You need to force it to be accountable by getting rid of the people who think they’re not. People focus on the presidential elections, but even in Nigeria that has a strong (too strong?) executive; they should not be the main thing.

This recent rash of impeachments that are running round the country is due to the fact that people did not care who was on the ticket for the state and local houses. People are now realizing that that has to change. I couldn’t care less who is President, though it would be nice to have a competent one, but if you want to change Nigeria you will have to do it at the state and local level. Until someone like a Rudy (like him or hate him he was effective) or a Ken can be convinced to run for local government things won’t change as fast as people expect or more importantly demand. America and England have the luxury of not caring who their state and local representatives are but I think we cannot afford that luxury.

I mean think about it, who wants to live in a country where gross misconduct is when you don’t allow people to chop money. Well we do apparently, or at least those in Anambra do, or better yet they will if they reelect those idiots who did it in the first place. So if you want the right to complain for the next four years better go get your picture taken by INEC’s Logitech cameras.

Intro

So it's a day late, but hopefully not a dollar short. Yeah I know I have a thing for crappy cliches. Anyway we return to our regularly scheduled program about the joys of the nysc camp. Basically this one is about my return to camp. Nothing spectacular I have to admit.

Registration Redux: Day 3
After the registration fiasco of day 1, I decided to skip day two and arrive on the third day for registration. If you arrive on the third day especially late afternoon or evening, you are probably going to do less queuing than anyone else. However your number one priority has to be securing bedspace. Trust me sleeping on the floor or out in the hall is not the way to go. However the thing to note is that though you will spend less time in queues you are also unlikely to finish that day and will have to endure the taunts of those that did come early and are done. Oh and the coordinators speech will be very interesting. From the way this one talked one would think half the girls on youth corp are pregnant and trying to hide it. Also she thinks that leaving the camp is all but impossible. Nothing much happens, you queue in futility for the day, talk to as many people as you can, bitch to as many people as you can, register or not if you can, go home or not if you can. The one thing to remember is that everything that has gone before today doesn't mean jack. Real camp starts tomorrow.

Unnecesary Qualification
I suppose I should first apologise for my penchant for high drama (I had to stop myself from using prediliction, so give the use of penchant a break.) There is nothing here that I would take back. If anything I underestimated their beliefs about pregnancy in nysc. I mean at one point they actually checked each girl on camp for a fetus. The other thing is that i actually believed that the stated last day of registration was the last day of registration. At least now you know.

Don't have one rambling post today (you can stop cheering now) but I do have a collection of mini rambles for your reading pleasure.

First: Arsenal finally won at home after going down a goal. I attribute this not to the fortitude of the Gunners but to the inexperience of the opposition. Premiership teams know that once you score against Arsenal you shutup shop but these guys actually came to play football. The result was a win for us and a confirmation of the tactics of the premiership sides.

Second: women in nigeria (note i said nigeria) should not do sports commentary. I do have a reason. Today it was reported that Nigeria is now ninth in the world. Now that's fine but the lady went on to say that this is the first time in the history of the country that that has happened. Now here is my issue her stats guy gave her the information and was wrong but a true sports announcer would have challenged the stats guy cos he would have known that in 1994 Nigeria was 5th in the world. My point is that they don't have enough familiarity with the sports they cover. (Familiarity with the sports is a main criteria for good sports reporters: The Sports Guy is a perfect example.)

Third: if you are thinking of financing a car in Nigeria try not to actually do so. I mean 17% interest rate is fine and all if you are the bank but not if you are the person buying. So that is why all those fancy new ads about banks offering you car financing for five years don't mention the interest rates on offer. So you basically are paying 60 to 70% of the price of the car in interest. Yeah sounds like a great deal huh?

Last: Happy Thanksgiving to the one person in America that I know reads my blog. Remember the extra piece of turkey always seems like a good idea, but it's just like the extra beer that gives you beer googles so thick that it seems like a good idea to hit on the girl that is pictured in the wikipedia desciption on the definition of ugly.

If u have a problem with this post, blame the two people I had conversations with that got me thinking about it. The first person bought the 3g ipod when it first came out. The second person just got a usb stick for the first time like a year ago. The first person is an unashamed early adopter feeling the need to get stuff the second it comes out. The second couldn't care less. I think I fall somewhere in between the two extremes. I mean I got a PS2 in 2002 and paid a third of the price it was when it was launched and in contrast I bought a 32mb usb stick in 2003 for a higher price than the 2GB one I got recently. I think in a way there is a sense of pride in being an early adopter, being one of the first in the know. I mean I still brag about being one of the first people on Napster in 1999 (we changed the world). Though on the flip side think about all those people that invested thousands (millions since I am in nig now) on laser disc equipment, some of them are still thinking dark thoughts about japanese media companies. I wouldn't want to be a sony exec in some parts of ikoyi. Most Nigerians I've met are early adopters but only in certain areas. I mean Nigerians do clothes, computers, cars, consoles and gadgets in general as good or better than anyone else. Think back to when digital cameras were the new thing. People spent five hundred quid on stuff that if they offered it to you for fifty today you'd laugh in their faces. But the world needs early adopters. I mean if there were no people willing to pay N25,000 for an MTN sim card in the early years there would not be N200 sim cards today. So I suppose in the end I am saying that while people often accuse Nigerians of being unnecessarily materialistic I am here to tell you that we are doing the world a great service by helping the corporations of the world recoup their production costs thereby allowing said corporations to serve the masses. So go on buy that laptop that will be obsolete in a month you are doing it so that there will eventually be a $99 computer for Africa.

PS Did you hear about the foiled bomb plot on a bellview plane this weekend. I'm not saying it did not happen as they said but the reporting has been a little to studied. And the pictures; the guy is posing with the explosives in his hand. Take a look at the punch article. Michael Dickson are u ready for your close up?

PPS. Voltron of the Week
In tribute to the best show on NTA 2 channel 5. I have decided to post a Voltron of the Week. I found this site with tons of Voltron pictures and I will put up the one that gives insight into my mood this week. This one is Voltron triumphant just before he is about to slay one of Zarkon's evil beasts. This is in honor of the fact that I do not expect to work 'til eleven on Sundays for a while.

When I decided to come back to nig, there were a lot of jokes about me being unable to survive camp. The most supportive of my friends gave me two days before I was running out of Iyana Ipaja like they set the town on fire. One can only get so much of that before mae pride starts to kick in. So I decided to stay in camp for the whole three weeks. While I was there I also decided to keep a journal about my experiences in camp and a certain someone who shall not be named agreed to put the thing up on a blog when I was done. So now that I have one of my own I decided to beat said sell-out person to it and post my journal entries every sunday. I am going to give a brief intro about what the piece is about before I post it unedited and then if I feel the need to defend what I wrote I will add an unnecessary qualification bit at the end of the piece. So without further ado (sorry couldn't resist) here in living color is my first attempt at registration on the first day of camp.

To Register or not To Register: Day 1

For those eager beavers who want to register on the first day got one word for you: don't. Or at least if you do make sure you get there at like six in the morning or earlier. Those of us who rocked up like 12, 1 on the first day had a good view of the sky above as we sat down on the camp parade ground looking up at it for like six, seven hours. I got there at one and was number 1157 and by the time I left at 10 they had processed up to 7 something. Since I had not registered I was able to get out the gate without the customary tax required.

Second thing about registration if you don't have a friend who is going with you, you better be willing to do anything to get one. This is because the frustration that registration creates is better spread amongst more than one person. I saw a few of these unfortunates and trust me you don't want that to be u. The other thing friends are good for is bag watching. You want to go to the canteen and get food you can, you want to go to the front for the tenth time to see what is going on you can, you want to hit on that hot girl you can... well if you are going to do any blocking, do it early unless you've got sugar in your mouth by the eight, ninth hour you shall be getting the coco.

Unnecessary Qualification
I think this speaks for itself and there is no need for justification. Though for all those players that will take issue with the eight, ninth hour comment trust me it was generally valid. Though that is not to say that a coco today will mean one tomorrow. One thing camp teaches you is the power of persistence.

I read something a couple of days ago that struck me as hilariously tragic. There was a video on msn about a woman who was proposed to in public and said no. I would have seen it but for my slow arse connection. I feel bad for the guy I mean they got his humiliation on tape for posterity, but really you should never ask a girl to marry you if you are not 100% sure she’s gonna say yes. I mean until she is in “shit or get off the pot” territory. Subliminals like her showing you merged pictures of what your kids would look like or some diamond ring circled in a catalog are the sort of signs you should be looking for. This whole big speech thing hoping she would be carried away and say yes is stupid. I mean so you get all emotional and she says yes and then five years down the line she is suffering from buyer’s remorse and you are thinking how you are going to kill her to avoid paying alimony. I mean even when the babe is feening for the ring it’s not guaranteed to work out and so when things are not 100% you will go and carry your big head and propose? You deserve everything you get if she says no or (possibly worse) if she says yes. I blame the whole if it is traditional it is boring movement. How does it prove you love some one to propose to her while sky diving, though I trust naija babes she would probably tell u no for being stupid enough to drag her on such an adventure in the first place. Anyway I’m rambling so I’m a stop now. Though I want to say one last thing. As one of the few people who had enough free time to watch Eurotrip and more importantly view the extras on the DVD (I know u r thinking is it possible to have that much free time!!!) I got a chance to view the original ending. The movie like all "we need to find this girl so we go on a road trip" movies ends with him finding the girl but in the original cut the guy gives this big speech and the girl turns him down flat. See I like that cos its realistic. I mean I don't know of any girl naija especially that will go out with u simply cos u stalked her across the country and u had talked on the phone a few times. Anyway they changed the ending because people hated it. So there u go what works in movies for this does not work for real life and so just because u see it in a movie doesn't mean u should do it. I think that generally goes for all relationship issues. Ask how many times I'm just a girl (or a guy) standing in front of a boy (or a girl) asking ... (and so on) has worked in real life. Aiight I'm really done this time.

Welcome to the era of the megabanks. The bank capitalization worry is a thing of the past. Banks are healthy, happy and making tons of money. They are even looking forward to flexing their muscles when their poor step-brother the insurance industry has to recapitalize. Some are even doing ipos to raise even more money, eg intercontinental bank. The goal apparently is banks with $1bil or N130 bil market cap. Now here is the thing that i can't figure out; how are these banks making money or rather how is the money making sustainable enough to make investing in them at this point in time a smart move. Granted Nigerian companies manipulate their stock prices and so you will generally get returns (the whole "what kind of dirty dividend is this o! You had betta bring some stock bonus to go along o! Otherwise...). So back to my sort of point. Banks don't really do commercial lending or rather most businesses are not willing to get loans at 30% annual interest and the ones that do for the most part u don't want them. The same thing generally goes for people as well so that means that personal banking is pretty much out. Now the other big lending thing is mortgages and that is not really developed yet. So the question is how are these banks making tons of money. Looking at the half year results that are all over the papers you would think that these banks are an engine of growth but they tend not to do the sort of things general banks are supposed to do to make money. Then you realise that almost all of their money comes from foreign exchange and debt stuff, so we have a bunch of fixed income houses pretending to be general banks. That is not to say that these banks would not be able to make the transition to the new ways of doing things when the market conditions are there, but that old saying about old dogs and new tricks does come to mind. And besides if they are the general banks shouldn't they be the ones to make the new environment or is this another mtn and per second billing thing. Aiight I'm done

One of the things that delights you as a child is the first time you hear what NEPA really stands for. I mean the National Electric Power Authority is all well and good, but Never Expect Power Always speaks to you in ways that the first one just cannot. However, the wits among us were thrilled even more during the first privatization run of NEPA to NEP plc. I mean this one was even better Never Expect Power, Please Light Candle. It was great it told you what to expect and what to do about it. We just did not know how much we would miss NEP plc when the company reverted back to NEPA. Now NEPA is really dead and gone and the PHCN has arisen in its place. Now this stands for Power Holding Company of Nigeria. Now I really haven't heard any smart anagrams of this title since I have been back, the standard joke is that since they are holding the power they might as well give us some occasionally. I know it's not of the earlier standard, but what is these days. I believe that it has fallen to me to suggest a new meaning for PHCN: Please Have Candle Near. This speaks to the fact that the PHCN is proving better than its antecedents but there is still merit in having your trustry wax around. Remember this is only a first stab, so don't judge to harshly.

This somewhat cryptic title refers to the first three letters on an nysc call up letter. NYSC is the national year of service for Nigerian university graduates. For most people, the letters that stand for the school you went to, like Obafemi Awolowo University will come with the obvious tag as would University of Nigeria Nnsuka. But there are a few corpers whose first three letters are FRN. These corpers are generally held to have the advantage when it comes to postings. First of all they get to pick the state they are posted to (and you know no one is picking Zamfara) and the companies that are deciding whether or not to retain corpers generally get all excited at those first three letters. There are even some firms that do not hire you unless you have those three letters that prove you are a foreign student. Though to me it makes no sense to give someone who graduated with a 2:2 from a crappy university in the UK more weight than someone who got a first class here. Granted there may be mitigating circumstances cos anyone who has been a student knows that grades aren't all they are cracked up to be. Still one can make the argument that a student that made a first class in the Nigerian educational environment with all its challenges should be given precedence over a student who made a 2:2 in the UK with all its advantages. After all most of what you learn in school is never applied anyway so your main focus should be on finding someone with a tradition of excellence if you are an employer. So you can go for the corper with the fancy FRN but just be prepared that you might find that those three letters were not worth the ink they were printed with.

Yesterday in America, the head of the leading evangelical christian union resigned from the organization and as pastor of his church because of reports that he allegedly had sex with another man for a while and that he also did amphetamines. The pastor claims he is innocent and his church has launched an investigation. Here is the thing I don't get, the people investigating said that some of the things are true. There are only two accusations the sex thing and the drugs thing. So is it that the sex thing is true or the drug thing is true. Now that this story is breaking it does not make sense for the man to deny it if it is true. The other guy says he has proof with voicemails and stuff. Now this is the Linda Tripp part: the guy claims that he is non-political with no agenda that he only came forward because of the evangelical union's stance on homosexuality. I'm Nigerian and that brings with it some cultural baggage of attendant homophobia but I think I have managed to move to the stage where I can have gay friends (well at least talk normally to people who are gay) but I will be damned if I will watch brokeback. Remember when you were little and you used to turn away at the kissing scenes, I still kinda do that when I happen on stuff like the madonna or christina video. Anyway I think its kinda funny how America is kinda schizo on homosexuality. I mean european countries are generally cool with it, and most other countries are generally not and don't pretend to be cool with it. America comes across as generally not but pretends to be and as generally cool but pretends not to be. This is why most of them are willing to give gay couples all the same rights as straight couples but go crazy when you want to let them get married. So some people will jump on this as a hypocrisy thing and that is how it will probably play out in the media. I mean there is nothing people love more than knocking a guy off a pedestal and jumping on him when he is down. I know how people go on and on about the liberal media bias, but i wonder how talk radio and fox news will report this if the pastor does turn out to be guilty. I mean will they work the forgiveness angle and how everyone makes mistakes or will they attack him for hypocrisy. No guesses on what the new york times will do.

According to the Honorable Minister of Aviation Mr. Borisade, he needs spiritual powers to keep airplanes from crashing. Or rather he does not have the spiritual powers required to keep them from crashing. The main problem I have with this statement is that he is not addressing what he did or did not do competence wise. He is insinuating, well blatantly saying, that it was God's will that the plane crashed thus he cannot be blamed. Like most Nigerians, I do not know how well the Minister did his job. All I and probably most of the rest of us have heard is anecdotal evidence on how he did his job. Most Nigerians are calling for him to be replaced. He was the minister in charge during the bellview crash and he stated that it was his responsibility to fix the problem. I'm sorry, I believe that it is time he gave up that responsibility either to someone who has spiritual powers to keep the planes in the air or to someone that realizes that more than spiritual power is required to do so.

People always say that the Nigerian driver, especially the Lagos variety, is rude, brash, uncompromising, hard headed... you get the picture. I am here to tell you that he or she has every right to be. It is a miracle that Nigerian drivers, well Lagos ones, do not randomly attack each other. Think about it; we are stuck in the hot hot sun for hours on a daily basis while traffic crawls along. The okadas are running around like they own the streets, buses with no mirrors think that they always have right of way and every where u look the lasmat guys are looking to make a quick buck. Basically the lagos driver has a lot to deal with. Instead of doing crazy things for the most part the driver sits in the hellish traffic and does the best he or she can to cope. If little things like intransigence or constant horn honking when someone moves a fraction of a second slower than they are supposed to make the lagos driver seem unnecessarily agressive, I say that until you have driven four hours in lagos traffic from VI to Maryland you are not allowed to pass judgement.