A Clear Conscience?
Even by my recently lax standards it has been a long time since I have shuffled onto these pages to apologise for my absences. So consider this couple of sentences an apology, and lets dive right in:
So a couple of weeks ago I heard a story about informing on infidelity. So Lady A's best friend was getting married, and it came to her attention that her friend's intended was a serial cheater in the best Naija style. Lady A wrestled with it for a bit, but decided that her friend should have all the information before deciding. Her friend went ahead with the wedding and in the process their friendship was wrecked. Lady A coming to terms with the aftermath consoled herself that her consicience was clear.
Under the premise of "the more information the better" it is clear that Lady A was right to tell her friend about her beau's infidelity. Lady A had "provable intelligence" (it's in quotes cos she wasn't in the room) and so she had a duty to tell her friend. However there are tons of people who in the name of needing a "clear conscience" would tell their friends about their misgivings about the intended even in situations that are not as clear cut.
My take on this is simple: When someone asks you about their intended, you act like guys are trained to answer "do I look fat in this?" Unless you have concrete proof of infidelity or violence or some such it is not your place to give an opinion.
I have heard the argument that real friends can have constructive conversations in which an opinion can play a role. After all constructive conversations are the bedrock of any relationship. However in my experience, the only constructive conversation you can have about relationships is where the friend employs the art of empathic listening. The thing about empathic listening is that the listener does not give an opinion. The goal is to provide a sounding board for the person to come to terms with the issues that they are having.
For clarity, I have an example of where I would be tempted to give an opinion:
I think that every woman who is dating a man who is against her financial independence should run for the hills. However if a friend in this situation asked me if she should marry the guy, I would not tell her that she should run.
What would you do and why?
Ramblings From The Past
- February 2012 (1)
- January 2012 (1)
- December 2011 (1)
- November 2011 (1)
- October 2011 (1)
- September 2011 (1)
- August 2011 (1)
- July 2011 (1)
- June 2011 (2)
- May 2011 (1)
- April 2011 (1)
- March 2011 (1)
- February 2011 (1)
- January 2011 (1)
- December 2010 (1)
- November 2010 (1)
- October 2010 (2)
- September 2010 (1)
- August 2010 (1)
- July 2010 (1)
- June 2010 (1)
- May 2010 (2)
- April 2010 (1)
- March 2010 (2)
- February 2010 (4)
- January 2010 (3)
- December 2009 (3)
- November 2009 (6)
- October 2009 (2)
- September 2009 (4)
- August 2009 (2)
- July 2009 (6)
- June 2009 (2)
- May 2009 (2)
- April 2009 (4)
- March 2009 (4)
- February 2009 (3)
- January 2009 (3)
- December 2008 (2)
- November 2008 (3)
- October 2008 (2)
- September 2008 (4)
- August 2008 (2)
- July 2008 (5)
- June 2008 (3)
- May 2008 (1)
- April 2008 (4)
- March 2008 (2)
- February 2008 (4)
- January 2008 (6)
- December 2007 (3)
- November 2007 (5)
- October 2007 (7)
- September 2007 (10)
- August 2007 (16)
- July 2007 (15)
- June 2007 (15)
- May 2007 (15)
- April 2007 (12)
- March 2007 (15)
- February 2007 (12)
- January 2007 (13)
- December 2006 (12)
- November 2006 (12)
- October 2006 (1)
7 comments:
Ah! The perennial question.
I was firmly in the "Does my bum look fat in this?" (hehe) camp but it's true what they say that you never know what you would do in a given situation until it's upon you.
This was how I found myself caught up in mild drama a while back except she was the one who found the video on his phone! After offering advice and spending the weekend @ her's consoling her like any good friend would, she ended up back with him the very next day!!!
All this to say, keep it zipped and keep it moving!
It's just one of those things.
I agree with you when you say keep it zipped unless you have concrete evidence. No he said she said crap! Verify your information and the sources first!
If you decide the right thing to do is tell, then sing like a fucking canary! Don't hold anything back. No "I can't reveal my sources" LOL! No sugar coating or leaving out information crap... No over-exagerations and adding extras either! Just say it as it is.
P.S
No writing in peoples Honesty boxes on facebook or sending anonymous msgs, emails or txt msgs!
In my opinion it depends on the type of friend you have. You can determine whether your friend is the type to take your opinion or not. For close friends I make it clear what i feel about their significant others withoutharping on about it, however I wont make an allegation against which I am unsure of.
If in the course of our conversation the friend makes a similar observation bout her boyfriend i might try to guide the conversation in the direction of understanding why she might feel this way so she can reach her conclusion herself
Out of all my friends, there is just ONE person that I can tell that her boyfriend/husband is heating on her...and even with age, I have realised that I will not tell her directly sef. The best thing I believe, is to tell her "anonymously"...call/text from a new sim card, email from a new addy created for this purpose. She might not believe it, but it's enough to make her be on her guard/doubtful. I always tell my friends - you think you know you know your girlfriends, till a boy gets involved. They would get back together and place the blame on your head. So be "anon" or be quiet.
Opinions are personal and facts are sacred.
We will always have opinions but, these opinions (of their partners) do not just arise when our friends inform us of their impeding aisle-walking;
so, if these opinions are -ve and we never deemed it fit to express it much earlier; then, 'tis best to simply reserve them within us.
fresh blog!
check out mine as well-
'blackspace and milan'
I see your point and though i generally agree, i'm not sure it would always work. In the example you gave, wouldn't your friend likely know your views already so even if you said nothing they'd still be aware that they don't have your total approval?
I always think that i'd like my friends to warn me if i'm about to land myself in trouble but as I've never been on the receiving end of such information, i'm not sure how i'd actually react.
Post a Comment